Change of Mind 4:24 PM

I've never really written about karate grading. In one sentence, it is confidence shredding, exhaustively tiring, and absolutely nerve wrecking.

Today's was especially bad.

Got tested on something that I didn't even learn, because of lessons missed as a result of _ _ _ _ _ (correct number of letters, guess what it is. Acronym with 3 Cs) Did the rest of the grading with my confidence shredded. It showed. 

Think I'm gonna do badly. Very badly.

NCDCC day parade is finally well and done with. I still have S/NCO course to "look forward" to. Everyone makes it sound difficult. I have no doubt it is. Hao Yang makes it sound just downright scary. Somehow I'm not inclined to not trust him. 

1 week of torture.

Gonna be the toughest 1 week of my life.

________________________

Changed my mind about something yesterday. Forget me trying to be some super mean NCO. Not gonna happen. Whatever made me change my mind had completely nothing to do with NCDCC itself, or UYOs at all, for that matter. Nothing to do with Andrew either.

Flicking through pieces of the past. 

It changed the way I thought about a friend. 

The Price I Paid 11:43 PM

This is a bit late, but I'll say it anyway. Thanks Jem :) , for standing up for me the other day when "someone" barged into class and was very rude about asking me to pass a form to someone. 

Thanks Nicholas, for doing the same today :) Except that "that someone" was questioning my priorities instead.

Now lets talk about "that someone"

Today you questioned my priorities. And NCDCC's position in them. Firstly, don't ask questions to which you already know the answer to. It only has the effect of making you look less smart than you are. You knew me since primary 1. You know what I'm like, what I want to do with my life, all the reasons why.

Our differences made us better friends in primary school. Why should the now be any different? It doesn't have to be this way.

Secondly, that is just........ rude.

You think that I'm okay with everything just because I put on a smile everyday right? Wrong.

Just because I don't show it doesn't mean I'm not upset.

You can give so much time to NCDCC because you have nothing to lose. Its different for me. I have everything to lose.

This is the price I paid for someone else's decisions. I cancelled my entry for two international competitions. I screwed up ACS's delegation to these competitions. I have lost any credibility in the eyes of Model UN Society. I've done very badly in piano, when my exam is less than 20 weeks away. I've skipped so many karate lessons when my grading is so near. I've postponed the grading itself. I've almost been thrown out of the team being sent to India to compete at the International Biotechnology Festival. I've lost all my credibility when it comes to science research challenge. Worst of all, I've gotten horrendous academic results.

And you act as if these are so unimportant. As if they mean nothing to me. Well they mean everything.

I'm not going to write my results here. You, along with most people will say that I set my standards too high. I don't think so. Every time since I realized I was good at something (in primary 5), I have set almost ridiculously high expectations of myself, and I am proud of the fact that I can meet them every single time. 

That is not something I'm ready to sacrifice.

Today's story was supposed to be a sensational one about NCDCC's unit best cadet, and why he doesn't want to be one. 

Until we met just outside the MRT, and he told me how his side of the story, how he felt.

I understand how you feel. You're not the only one who is angry about the sacrifices that we were forced to make.

Pen and Paper 11:02 PM

Today was the pen and paper round for the National Science Challenge. 50 something teams, top 11 + 1 wild-card team go to the quarter finals.

Their auditorium is so nice :) Orange and black is awesome :D

The questions were....... unusual. What is the S.I. unit for the Boltzmann constant? I don't even know what in the world is a Boltzmann. How many picometers make one Angstrom? I haven't a clue what a picometer or an Angstrom is. What does an otolaryngologist do?

The halfway through it turned into a maths paper. So that was very bad for me.

Most of it was physics and maths. Only about 2 bio questions out of the total of 60.

Scoring is,

Correct answer, +4 pts

Wrong answer, -2 pts

No answer, -1 pts

Then was a short recess. So went and walked around. Dean drank soy sauce on its own. Um..... yuck?

Results were announced at 12. So we went back to the auditorium. I was nervous as hell. 

We are in :)

Hwa Chong is out already, unless they get into the wildcard team, which was not announced today.

So 12 teams are in the quarter finals. There are 4 episodes. Each episode has 3 teams. So time to draw lots and see who gets who. 

We are against Xinmin and....... Raffles. Uh Oh. I wonder if they put us against RI on purpose because they want to watch the sparks fly...... maybe the draw was rigged XD

The sparks will fly. ACS will be the one making them.

Apparently Tanjong Katong Girls School has a reputation for screaming a lot on the previous shows XD

We can bring supporters. Awesome right? :) I want 3.8 to come, cos all of us are from 3.8 :)

Thanks so much to my team :)

Tears Behind the Smiles 10:34 PM

Today something happened. Its rather embarrassing. All I can say is that I wish that certain classmates could be more considerate and to think of other people and not be so selfish/greedy. It doesn't matter which country you come from and what their culture is like. The ACS culture is we all help each other. 

Worse thing is, the actions of these people upset other people. If you hurt me, then fine. It dun matter to me. Many people do that anyway. If you hurt my friends...... its agony for me knowing how they feel.

I'm sorry Daryl.

Its something I didn't do, but I'll take the blame for it anyway. Cos that's what a leader is supposed to do. To be responsible for the actions of those he leads. 

I'm okay with that. Most of the time I know what to do to fix a messy situation. But this time, I am at a loss. I really dunno what to do now.

________________________

Joseph, I totally disagree with your blog. You are one of the most awesome friends I am lucky enough to have. Every time I felt down, you were there to pick me up. Every time I needed a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, you were around. Those are stuff very few people would care enough to do. If you weren't around, I'd have jumped in front of an MRT train a long time ago.

Nico, how could you say that you are a hindrance to me? That is absolutely preposterous. I would be nowhere today if you weren't around. All the projects we did together, just wouldn't be as fantastic as they are. And you saved me when it came to India Biotech Fair, by right I should be out right now. And you were always prepared to listen, every time I needed someone to talk to. 

You both are awesome friends and you guys mean the world to me :)

________________________

We lost interclass soccer. That is immaterial. I don't even need to be there to know that you guys did your very best. That is the only thing that matters. For that alone, I give you my greatest respect and admiration :)

________________________

I realize a lot of people are putting on a nice facade or mask in school, pretending to be happy when they are not, pretending that everything is okay when it isn't. 

School is like some masquerade party.

I do that too. I'm sorry. I lied to everyone. I lied to all my friends. I lied to myself. I'm not the happy and hyper Ali you see in school every day. I'm sorry. 

Why are we even doing this? We don't have to. Our friends will always be there for us. We don't have to hide the pain and suffer in silence.

It hurts the most when you try to hide the cuts and slashes.

National Science Challenge 10:50 PM

What you did during the IPMun lecture was absolutely preposterous. Just because you think that Model United Nations is boring doesn't mean everyone else does. I think that you need to show more respect for the opinions of other people.

________________________

This morning I met a friend walking down the main staircase of the old block in the morning, on the way to look for a teacher. I was in a hurry. I think I was quite curt and rude. I'm really sorry :(

I also take back what I said (at discovery centre taxi stand) about politics, cos I realized that United Nations counts as politics. I might do politics after all. I duno. 

Sigh. NCDCC in their typical last minuteness has yet again changed the course dates for S/NCO course. Meaning I cancelled my RMun application for nothing. And now I also have to cancel my iMun application. I now have a bad reputation with MunSoc, and they have sent me an email expressing their upset and disappointment with me. I am as upset about this whole thing as they are. Worst of all this is an inter-school competition, and this just screws up ACS's iMun delegation. 

Some people can be so last minute, so tardy, so simply buffoonic that it exceeds completely the realm of human understanding. And they still expect people to sacrifice other commitments for them. They are so stubborn, so selfish, so obstructionist that one begins to wonder if they were invented as a means to quantify the human patience. 

And no. I simply refuse to apologize for those comments. 

Anyway I spent whole of Saturday night crying cos I was freaking upset about the fact that they always ask me to sacrifice everything else. (thanks Lucas for caring enough to listen, that one gesture of friendship meant everything to me, you are one of the few really awesome people :)..... ) I came to a most productive conclusion. Priorities are priorities. After this whole matter is settled, I'm not going to sacrifice anymore anything that means everything to me. Ever. Period. Disagree? Go home. i.e. That means academics, science research, A* National Science Challenge etc. all take priority over this. 

So when stuff clashes, I'll go for the one that means more to me. I utterly refuse to attend things when I am told so last minute. Friends don't even need to be mentioned, because when a friend needs me, that takes precedence over everything.

________________________

A* National Science Challenge qualifier round was today. It was awesome :D Our presentation on sound involved bursting three balloons. There were other very noisy things also. I think we unsettled the judges. A lot. XD

The studio lights are super hot. I don't remember a studio being like that. The last one I was in, when I was on stage for the Watabushi Festival, I remember I was freezing.

Anyway, all the credit goes to my AWESOME team :)

________________________

My flights to Japan are now cancelled. The terribly inefficient Malaysian High Com. takes 3 months to make a passport. 

3 Most Awesome Days of My Life 10:50 PM

Here's a photo of the Proteos building :) , which I took in the morning when I got out of the car. The grey building on the right is Neuros.....

First thing today, we took our stuff out of the incubator to see the results. Then we put the nematodes onto the bacterial lawns (by using a wash solution and pipetting them) of both the wild and modified AHL producing bacteria.

The purple bacteria are cool XD

That's a colony though, not a single cell....

Then we have to wait 5 hours to see any results XD so we visited the fruit fly research lab. They use flies as a model for the human neuron network, to study diseases such as Alzheimer's etc. I was quite stunned by the scientist there, she didn't move away from the microscope for the whole time we were there (except once to plug in something), and she looked like she had been there for hours. She was doing something using needles under the microscope, and was totally focused. The scientists here are like mega passionate.....

Then we went to visit the DNA sequencing lab, which was really cool :D 

After that we went to one of the sky-bridges for a photo taking session. It was like our last day, and we got like mega high :D And it was the funnest photo taking session I have ever been to XD There was a huge amount of jokes about silly poses, and about the bridge falling down cos we wanted to do a jump shot XD This is the serious one.....

See the rest of the photos from the whole 3 days here :) There are a lot more with the other people in their Facebook pages :D

Then was lunch. Yesterday, I met Joshua Kwan. He came to me and asked me whether I know Michael Kwan. I was, yeah I heard of him but never met him before.

Having lunch with quiet people is a startling experience :P I was going for lunch with Zhe Wen and friends who was sitting next to me. Then Joshua asked if he could tag along with his friend from his school. And we were like yeah why not. So we went, and we bumped into Daryl. So we all had lunch together. 

Zhe Wen and his friends finished and left early, cos some of them had to rush off for something. The Daryl finished and went back to Proteos. So I was left with Joshua and his friend. Joshua is like really really quiet and shy. I was talking most of the time. And I chose to talk about all the stuff we did to Ms Fiona Ho. I think he thinks that I am some kinda pai kia now.... oh no.... XD

Anyway Joshua, if you read this, I'm not a pai kia. Not alot anyway.....

Then when I got back, everyone was frantically adding each other on Facebook :P So yeah, that's what we spent the rest of our lunch time on.....

I also took the photos of the samples and petri dishes. 

These are the nematodes....

Then still got a lot of time after lunch, so everyone was talking about a lot of random stuff :D And we spend some time putting the pipette tips into the pipette boxes. Decided to spell "ALI" with one box... XD

And we did random caricatures of people on the whiteboard XD.....

You can see the rest of my photo's here :) Its different from the link above...

Then got back our results, which more or less fitted with the expected results. The worms died as appropriate.

Before we went home we all signed/doodled on a paper that will be stuck on one of the notice-boards on level 4 together with our group photo :D ..... (I am the "ALI" with the spiky hair drawing thingy... XD)

I hope we all get to meet again someday :) Everyone I met are so awesome :D The researchers we worked with, this group of students..... We took away more than science facts, cos we brought back with us the friendships that we made.....

This is something I'll always remember with a smile.....

Cos its been the three most awesome days of my life :)

Chromobacteria 10:44 PM

Ok. I think I've got the whole idea figured out. Certain opportunistic bacteria species can sense the size of their population, such that they only produce pathogenic agents when there are enough bacterial cells. This communication is facilitated in the bacteria we were using by the AHL signaling molecule. The bacteria can then produce exoproteases in a coordinated manner.

We genetically modify the bacteria such that they also produce an enzyme which destroys the AHL signaling molecule. This causes the bacteria to become unable to communicate and produce the exoproteases. We then test for the presence of these exoproteases by using C. elegans, a kind of tiny worm thingy/nematode.

Because the exoproteases are present in the wild species, the nematodes die as they slowly get digested by the exoproteases. In the modified species, because the AHL they produce are immediately destroyed by the enzyme, the cannot communicate and don't produce the exoproteases. So the nematodes don't die.

The first part of the morning was spent preparing these biosensor arrays. It was meant to prove that the AHL signaling molecule is diffusible. So we used Chromobacteria to test for the presence of AHL. These bacteria produce a visible purple pigment when they detect AHL. So we cut the agar into strips, put the AHL producing bacteria at one end, and dotting the Chromobacteria on the entire length of the strip, to see how far AHL can diffuse. We compared both the wild and modified species of the AHL producing bacteria, in varying amounts. 

Then after that we did DNA purification to prepare the plasmids for calcium chloride induction (heat-shock), as an alternate method of genetic modification instead of the tri-parent induction. Its a rather long process, involving lots of centrifuging and filtering funnels. These are like tiny funnels that fit inside a microfuge tube. It uses a kind of foam polymer as the filter.

Then was lunch. This time I had lunch with Daryl... It was interesting, we talked about a lot of stuff :)

After lunch we did the calcium chloride induction. It took quite a while. Anyhow, the people from bench 1 were like racing the people from my bench for like the whole day. So they cheong all their purification and heat-shock procedures.... Anyway, they won because I was working with 6 people, and they had only 4 people, and we have to wait for everyone to pipette the reagents before we centrifuge all the tubes together..... Lolz....

We spent the in between time talking (alot :) ) to people. There were like these incubation or water bath time that are like 30 min and 45 min... XD So nothing to do just talk..... XD

Then went home.

Teddy Bears 9:00 PM

Ms Ong Mui Hong likes teddy bears a lot.

Apparently for the most part of last year, she was having teddy bear wallpapers on her laptop :P And one of her year 4 class last year found out about the actual date of her birthday, so they gave her teddy bears on that day. Maybe we should do that too :P

Here's how I discovered that. From today until Friday, I will be at the A* Institute of Molecular and Cell Biology at Proteos Building, Biopolis. So I won't be in school.  The one other person who was from ACS (I), going for this workshop thingy was Ms Fiona Ho's 2008 chairman. XD So we kinda gossip about our teachers when we came back from lunch XD

His name is Daryl (not Daryl Chen, different Daryl). Nice person. :) Seems like he wasn't from the class that made fun of FHO the most.... he seems like very goody goody two shoes

Today was awesome :)

Ok, so I arrived at IMCB at 7.10 in the morning, because Ethan needs to be in school by 7, and my mom is in Sweden. So I have to go to school is the same car as him. So I waited in the lobby thinking about life until 8:45 when it started. This is the lobby, and those round objects you see are apparently for people to sit on...

First was a kind of lab safety briefing thing. It took about an hour, but was actually very interesting. The labs here have Type 1 deionized water piped to taps directly from the water deionization plant. So there are three taps at the sink; warm, cold and deionized. The scientists here don't even need to wash the glassware that they use. After use, glassware is just placed in a green basket, and it is taken to the glassware washing machines for them. 

Then we got to the centrifuge safety part. Apparently a standard size centrifuge spins samples with the equivalent of 10'000 times the force of gravity. The rotor itself is 40kg. Thus in the case of a centrifuge accident, and the cap is blown off, the rotor will be sent flying with a total force of 400'000 Newtons. Cool ya?

As for autoclave safety, apparently autoclaves sometimes explode. There was this photo in the presentation of a US lab after an autoclave explosion... 

After that, we went to the lab to start. The labs are mostly biosafety Level 2 labs. Meaning that they can conduct experiments with hepatitis A, B, and C, influenza A, Lyme disease, dengue fever, Salmonella, mumps, Bacillus subtilis, measles, HIV, [8] scrapie, MRSA, VRSA, etc. They also can do genetic engineering work. Extreme precautions are taken when dealing with biohazard sharps waste (needles, scalpel blades etc.), and access to the lab is restricted when work in in progress. 

Go read Biosafety Levels (click the words). It sounds like a lot of fun to work at a biosafety Level 4 lab :P (there are 4 levels, 1 being for labs dealing with the most harmless agents)

Anyway, the scientists also do not have to autoclave their biohazard waste themselves. That is also taken care of for them. There are multiple cold rooms on each level, some are -80 deg. C cryogenic chambers, while some are liquid nitrogen storage rooms. The sliding doors to all labs are motorized and instead of a push button to open it, there is a proximity sensor button on the side, so it can be opened when you are still wearing gloves and you don't contaminate the buttons. 

The experiments we were doing were about bacterial quorum sensing, basically the ability of bacteria to sense the size of their population. They need this, so that they know when their population is large enough to launch an immune system attack and produce pathogenic factors. They only attack when they know there are enough of themselves. Fascinating right?

The idea behind the research was to mutate the bacteria so that they lose this ability to sense their population size, something known as "quorum quenching". This is supposed to be an alternative approach from antibiotics. This leaves the bacteria still existing, but unable to produce pathogenic factors in a coordinated way.

We were supposed to test for the presence of some exoproteases that are part of quorum sensing, by using sea elegans, a kind of tiny worm thingy (nematode). Its a bit confulddling how the whole thing works, so I need to go figure it our first...

A lot of people were couldn't find their nematodes after they transferred a slice of agar gel from a prepared culture. They are microscopic.... so we spent a lot of time asking each other whether we could find ours XD

Anyway, we spent the morning culturing these nematodes. We also did the tri-parent bacteria mutation before lunch. Basically the process required the wild species of the bacteria plus two different strains of E. coli. One with the plasmid that allows for conjugation to happen, and the other with the plasmid that disrupts the quorum sensing mechanism. So we put all three of them on an agar plate, and mix them.

Lunch was 2 hours XD I went to Matrix Building to have lunch, cos I lazy take bus to go Holland Village or something like that. Most of us were back after 1 hour, so I spent the next 1 hour talking about our teachers with Daryl. :P

When I came back from lunch I pressed the wrong button in the lift. So I walked round the whole floor about 7 times trying to find my lab until I realized I was on the wrong floor. The problem is the inside of the building is hugely confusing. All the corridors are the same, and to make things worse the building is some strange polygon shape and has no parallel sides, so corridors intersect at weird angles like 30 and 150 degrees.

Actually, if one of the scientists hadn't helped me get into level 3, I wouldn't have been walking around cluelessly for 30 min. XD Sorry. The doors to the lab corridors are access card protected. I had a card for level 4. I had a problem getting into level 3, then this scientist behind me came up and lent me her card. Never-mind, it was a kind gesture that is still greatly appreciated :)

After lunch we did serial dilution. Basically, to reduce the population density of the bacteria, and kill off all the bacteria except the modified version of the species we were observing. We were using prepared bacteria cultures, due to lack of time, so I dun think we get to see the one's we did before lunch...

Went home after that.

It must be awesome to work there :D

I previously had these worries about being stuck around with boring people if I ever become a scientist. These were put to rest today :D This lab group has a lot of very interesting people. Also, forget those stereotypes of boring professors with frizzy hair. The researchers we were working with are very interesting people :D

Not so long ago, after the whole SRC mess up, I was ready to kill all my dreams of scientific research and chase a career in design instead.

I guess today gives me a reason to think about that decision one more time.

Aftermath 10:31 PM

You should go talk to Mr Gavin Ang about your ISO. Your ISO marks are not worth that kind of issue. We all need our ISO bonus points. Don't sacrifice your marks just because some people are in your group are _____. And don't make yourself suffer for the rest of the year. Because you don't have to.

________________________

Today I lost whatever respect I had for Ms Bose. I don't know why, but she seems to be the one who screws up everything (interclass debate?). Its one thing to ask someone whether they can make it for that inter-school debating competition. Its a totally different matter to put down someone's name without asking them, and barging into class one day and demanding that he turn up for it. She needs to get her act together before other people lose their respect for her.

Paper reviews were a complete disaster. Physics, C Math, Chinese most likely gonna fail. 

Apparently 3.16 has a average of 59 for physics. Apparently their average is higher than ours. Depressing. This time though, we should not blame the teacher, cos I know Mr Jason Chan did his best to teach us everything.

Even bio I think I messed up real bad. I hope I'm wrong about this, but that's got little chance. If I flunk yet another bio paper, there goes my cred. I can forget about all the science and research competitions, research attachments etc.

Ok never-mind. Biotech Fair was a disaster too. We didn't get the research grant from Ideas in Action because of some rubbish about "market value". If we can't think of a suitable replacement project, we'll have to cancel our entry for this year.

Same for NUS Lab Race. Didn't get in because they did it based on last term's physics marks. Obviously the mugger scholars did. 

Same thing happened for my karate. Not doing well. Grading in 2 weeks. 

Same for piano. Mistakes everywhere in both theory and practical. Aural also cannot do.

My life is one huge mega disaster.

Perception 5:59 PM

Language Arts B was awesome!!!!! 

We left a letter on the board saying we needed a striker for interclass soccer, and asking Ms Ho whether she could play for us. Here's what she said, "Give it to me on paper" XD We're gonna really do that XD

Joshua on her outfit,
Joshua: "You look fabulous in turquoise Madam."
Ms Ho: "I don't succumb to flattery, Joshua."
Joshua: "It's the plain truth."
Ms Ho: "You're beginning to sound like Thanappa."

Then we sung Happy Birthday to her again :P,
Ms Ho: "If you continue singing, I'll call ALL your parents down during Term 3 PTM and you'll go on stage and sing."
3.8: "YEAH!"

Dr Lee Li Eng Speaker of the Year,
Ms Ho: "The Malay and Tamil boys will not join us for the Dr Lee Li Eng Speaker Of The Year Competition."
Jeremy: "They have their Tunku Abdul Rahman Speaker of The Year Competition right?"
(Ms Ho gives her awesome angry look)
Ms Ho: "They will sit somewhere else"
Daryl: "That's racial segregation!"
Ms Ho gives her trademark expression XD

Class outing,
Me: "Do you want to come with the class to Sentosa during the June Holidays?"
Ms Ho: "I need to check, I have con camp"
Joseph: "Huh? Madam, what subject did you fail?"
Ms Ho gives the Ms Ho look again XD

Then her presentation got corrupted,
Ms Ho: "The powerpoint is not working!"
Me: "Let's cry."

So she went through the coursework slides instead. Then we asked whether we can read her slides, except we didn't wait for an answer! XD It was super funny, we were reading it imitating either her, Ms Bose or Mr Peter Tan XD Then one of the last slides, we read it as a class :P

At the end of her lesson, we had a photo-taking session with Ms Ho XD It was super funny, cos she was trying to run away, but the class surrounded her XD Then she said, "Do it another day when I'm wearing something else!" ROFL XD Our applause was accompanied with her awesome angry face and her classic "What is going on?" Then she said, "You have all gone mad after the exams!" XD I think she give up on our class already XD

________________________

I think I said something that hurt someone today. I know you will read this someday. You said that you were okay, and it was nothing I said. That was a lie, wasn't it? The look on your face gave it all away. I'm sorry. 

Its easy to read the emotions of some people. More difficult for some others. 

I guess to be around people I can read easily is nice. Duno.... maybe because its easier to talk to people when you know where you stand. I guess for the other person, every time we talk face-to-face in school, I realize that a lot of the time I have no idea at all how you feel. Unless its on the phone when I can tell from the tone of your voice, or until I read your blog. It kind of makes talking about things a bit more difficult, cos I duno if what I say gonna hurt your feelings. Like how I realized too late that I tread on the wrong path, when we were talking after the Chinese Paper 2. I'm sorry. 

Anyway you dun have to hide your feelings. Its not like we'll be so insensitive as to laugh or something like that. You don't have to suffer in silence and go through all the pain alone, ending up being left out in the cold and the dark. Your friends will always be there for you. Me at least. 

________________________

I had the lousiest 2 weeks of my life ever. I think I'm gonna fail about 3 papers. My mind is so cluttered with so many appointments for the next few months already, I can't exactly think straight. The problem is no matter how meticulously I plan my schedule, there are a bunch of idiots who have no respect for other people's time. They don't know its extremely rude to change appointments without due advance notice.

Filing was an absolute disaster. I have been totally ignoring my bio. That is bad. Filing C Math made me very upset. I discovered that Mr Kenneth Ong made me do a few worksheets twice because he didn't take note of them in his computer properly. I'm not going to bother telling him. I'll file both copies right next to each other. If he has any courtesy, he'll look for me after class to apologize. 

Something is not right. In the span of 30 minutes, I can manage to topple a vase over, chip it, trip over a table leg, when the table is arrange properly next to the wall, and almost knock over a computer. I need a psychiatrist.

________________________

Today is International AIDS Awareness Day. Tons of people will be either donating stuff or attending memorial ceremonies. I wonder out of these people how many really care. How many really want to do something that makes a difference. 

Same with climate change. Its so easy to remember stuff that needs to be done, like switch off stuff in standby mode. But how many people really care enough to do that?

Maybe the world only has two problems. Apathy and greed. Apathy, see above, greed, no need elaboration (financial crisis, corporate scandals etc.)

I have no idea why everyone wants students to be good at everything. Evidently its not working. But its not like the educators care anyway. I realize that I can't find a single thing which I can say I am spectacular at doing. Its just I happen to be relatively good at most things. Isn't that just stupid?

It doesn't have to be this way. Why all the hoohaa about being multi-talented? If we have a single thing that we can do fabulously, and we use that to make the world a better place, do we really need to ask for more?

Note To a Friend 10:08 PM

To Jem,

Congratulations on your Theory of Music Distinction :D Its good you finally got something to be happy about :)

See? Its not who you think you are that holds you back. Its who you think you aren't. You'll never know how far you can go until you spread your wings and fly :)

Think Different 1:03 PM

Ali 2.0 9:24 PM

I guess in the calm after the storm, it comes back to decisions. I know pretty much what results I'm going to get, and I know where I stand. I also know what is most likely to happen next. So, doing what I usually do, its now time to plan in advance what's gonna happen from here. Except this is more like a life plan thing than what will appear on my Calendar.

Some of the decisions, they weren't very difficult to make. I'll do what feels right on my emotions alone, and ignore what logic tells me. Just this once I hope its the right way to go. 

This is now officially a promise. If I get kicked out of IP, I will change schools. You can hold me to my word. I am not content staying at a school whose actions of its leaders run precisely contrary to my beliefs and ideologies.

I read someone's blog. I agree. Competitiveness is what breaks friendships in this school. If I get the chance to stay in IP, I'll make sure it doesn't happen in this class. 3.8 either succeeds together or fails together. If 3.8 wants to win a clean sweep of all the academic awards, then the only way we can do that is if we help each other. If people like _____ or _____ or ______ want it to be everyone for himself, they will have to impeach me first.

I have decided my life philosophy. I now know what was missing since the start of the year. I've been a pushover, kicked around by other people, and letting my decisions be made for me. 

Here is my new life philosophy...

I need to prove nothing to nobody because my work speaks for itself. Whatever marks I get for this exam, or for any other exam, they do not decide my fate. Nobody and nothing will ever be able to do that except for myself. I create my own fate, I make my own future and I write my own destiny.

What I want, I will get.

If anyone dares try to write my fate for me or try to stand in my way, by the time I'm finished with them they are going to wish they never lived. 

That also includes telling me which CCAs I should be passionate about, or telling me my priorities, or trying to edit my schedule.

That brings me nicely to the next part of my philosophy about priorities. The only people who can touch my priorities are me, myself and I. I am going to set them correctly meaning (starting with most important) - Friends/family, health and well-being, exams/school-work, CCA, other commitments.

If anyone dares to try changing them for me they are going to feel so much pain and agony that they would rather go commit suicide than face me ever again. If I want change in the way this education works, then the only person who can make that change is myself. Be the change that you want to see in the world.

I don't have to put up with people who push me around, neither will I be content to do so. I have what I need, personality and wilting sarcasm. I can be scary as an when I need to be. Its time I used these features of myself more.

Now its time for me to wrap up this exam business. After we are done with that...

Its time we get ready to meet Ali 2.0

Shadows of Regret 10:10 PM

I died today. The C Math paper killed me.

I went in and did the paper with nothing but anger and fear, knowing that it was nothing more than a suicide mission. I look back feeling only regret and desolation.

I try to fight back the tears, as I try my best to prepare myself for a grade below 36 points. I feel like I let down everyone I know. My parents, teachers, friends. I'm sorry... I'm a disappointment...

I think I might get kicked out of IP. If that happens, the people I'm gonna end up hurting most are the people who are the reasons I live each day for. My friends. Especially those in my class now. And especially the one who wrote a petition to Mr Liang Chew Man, just so he could change class to be in the same class as me. I'm sorry for letting all of you down..... I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend.....

I guess if I get kicked out, I'll change school. If only I could just run away from all of this.

But I know that no matter where I run, I'm gonna be chased forever by the shadows of regret.

The Stuff that Makes Us Who We Are 10:38 PM

I used to be able to hide my feelings so well..... now life hurt me so much I don't even try anymore.....

I think my Chinese tuition teacher is trying to counsel me....

Piano did not go well. Grade 7 aural is horrid. Sing the lower part..... okay, I can't even hear it because the upper part is the more important part and is much louder. Listen and identify the cadence...... choose from perfect, imperfect, plagal, interrupted, and any V7 or 1c - 5 variations..... they all sound the same....

Exam in about 20 weeks.

Okay..... I went blog reading again.....

Don't feel so desolate..... you didn't get into Moot Parliament, but never once was it because your proposal wasn't good enough. You know that. You guys had the best and most well researched proposal. My team's was terrible in comparison. 

The whole thing was the fault of the cretin MPP people at GEP branch. You can't blame yourself for what happened. It was completely out of the control of any one of us. 

You worked so hard, it was so obvious in your proposal. The failures are those idiots at GEP branch. 

As for NCC, that wasn't your fault either. You can't blame yourself for the consequences of what other people did. 

You did all you can and tried your best and you can't call that failure and you know it.

Anyway this whole all rounded education thing is stupid. Its the work of kia su idiots who want students to be good at everything. Its stupidity and greed. A bad combination which will have dire consequences.....

The problem is really that because they want us to be good at everything, we don't have time to do the stuff that we really do best. And that is sad. I want to do design work, but that has to be put on hold because of so many other things that I've really got no passion for but have no choice to do... Its also the reason why the world is in a mess. Because people don't get the chance to make a difference in the way they do it best.

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful.
--Marie Curie

Sometimes its so difficult to understand why they can't accept us for who we are.

I guess its up to our generation to fix the world and all the stuff where the previous generation screwed up.

All of us..... we are good at different things..... that's the stuff that make us who we are..... Yeah, maybe I can do all the sciency stuff or photoshop/presentation things..... but I'll never be able to lead a cheering team..... handle a crisis situation like you do..... or score a soccer goal...... or hit a tennis ball.....

If everyone was good at everything and everyone was the same, I guess we would all keep to ourself and not bother communicating with other people cos we already know what they are like. The same.

That's why we can be friends. Because we are different.

Running the Numbers 10:12 PM

Ever seen so much destruction in your life that the zeros lost their meaning as you read each word in the news without emotion?

Try this:

• 9 986 400 000 supermarket paper bags are used annually in the United States alone.
  

Did you feel anything? Or was there so many zeros that you felt nothing?

What if we could see such numbers?....

This picture contains 320,000 light bulbs, equal to the number of kilowatt hours of electricity wasted in the United States every minute from inefficient residential electricity usage (inefficient wiring, computers in sleep mode, etc.)....

60,000 plastic bags, the number used in the US every five seconds...

One hundred million toothpicks, equal to the number of trees cut in the U.S. yearly to make the paper for junk mail...

Two million plastic beverage bottles, the number used in the US every five minutes...

Taken from - Running the Numbers, by Chris Jordan.

See more at chrisjordan.com

Lost Generation 10:54 PM