Life and Death

Jem came over to my home today :) We've managed to do the wardrobe design for the set of the National Science Challenge, and also our class jacket. Only that the class jacket needs a little bit more stuff in Adobe Illustrator..... Anyway we went and did other stuff later cos we finished early :)

Thanks a million Jem for coming over :)

Cos to me even a few minutes with a friend, is worth anything in this world :)

Remember my grandma's collapse and the ICU? So much for my hope that that kind of stuff won't happen again. Today my maid had something like severe gastric trauma. The second medical emergency in about a week. Sigh.

I guess for most other families, if their maid got sick it won't matter to them that much. But she's different. She's looked after me since I was 6 months old. She's looked after me for 14 years. She's like a part of our family, and me and my bro address her not by her name, but by the Indonesian word for "big sister".

I felt horribly worried, upset, and sad.

Then I thought about everything that happened in the last 14 years of my life, and it made me feel even worse. When I was little I used to cry over a lot of stupid things. Small things. Like a broken toy. Or getting hurt.

Then I grew up. My brain didn't.

Cos I still get upset over small insignificant things. One javascript or XML tag out of place and I get a bad mood the whole day. Problems with work and I get angry. Science research not going the way I planned and I cry.

I never ever stopped to think. I never ever realized that nothing in this world is ever as important as the people who love me so much. Issues at school, schedules, science, they aren't worth anything next to the people who mean the world to me.

I treated their love like some joke. I never spend any time with my family. I'm always come back so late every day. Holiday I'm away at whatever camp, or going back to school to do work, and this time I'm not at home from dawn to dusk for 1/4 of my holiday because of S/NCO course.

The next time we can spend time together is the September holidays, when we get the whole family together for a dinner on my birthday. And where will I be? In India. Thousands of miles away. For? A science competition.

My selfishness is matched only by my stupidity. And the only reason why no one said that to me is because they were too polite too.

Its not just my family. I know I don't spend enough time with my friends too. I am a lousy, horrible, terrible friend. I don't even put aside time to keep in contact with them. I don't even call any of them, not a single one, to ask how they are doing. And the minute we change class or go to different schools, that's the last we ever talk to each other.

They gave me everything. They made me who I am. They freely showed me so much love, care and concern. They were prepared to sacrifice anything for me. And I gave nothing in return and I took it all for granted.

And it took not one, but two life and death experiences for me to realize that.

I am a horrible friend, and I don't deserve all the love my friends and family gave me. I don't deserve to have friends. Or family. At all.

The only thing I deserve is to be put through the most gruesome, painful and slowest way to die.