A Losing War

Do note that this is not referring directly to the disagreement with Dean and Swapnil, but is a generalization and reflection of recent events. That conflict has been settled :) Thanks Dean and Swapnil
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Lost like a leaf in a hurricane.

Confused by all that happened, confused by the consequences of all that I tried to do. Left without anything else around to point the way. Trying my best to make things better, but making things worse in reality.

I go school everyday with a scripted smile and a staged identity, hiding everything that I feel because thats what everyone else has done. Substituting raw emotion with politically correct content under the pretext of professionalism.

Looking around me knowing that the expressions contradict the emotions. Wondering what is the purpose of this masquerade party if we already know what each other feel. We know we lied to each other, yet we still deceive ourselves with a illusion that was never real.

The truth about how we feel is right in our face, but we act as if it wasn’t there. Is it because we can’t accept reality, or is it because we feel like we are letting our guard down when we show others how we feel in a world where don’t know who to trust. In a world where bitter rivals pretend to be your friends and backstab you at the last moment.

To have allowed my real emotions to flash briefly, disillusioned by the facade of other people’s apparent personality. Because it was something that I never believed in. Driven by the willpower to redefine the status quo.

And then only to realize that the consequences were conflicts and arguments of cataclysmic proportions. Conflicts that hurt people. Including myself. To be left feeling so angry, so desolate, so bitter. Thinking about it and longing for revenge so badly, never wanting anything else so much.

Knowing that you’ll have to move on someday. But realizing that by doing so, acting as if you couldn’t care less in front of other people, but locking yourself in your room when you get home and crying your eyes out, that people are just gonna take advantage of and walk all over you.

Kicked to the side bleeding, wondering if being who you are, showing yourself as you are, was the right thing to do, in a world where its the good guys that die in the ending.

Couldn’t it be that our repulsion to expressing our emotions, our self, our identity as they are, trying to pretend to feel, be, someone we are not. Treating our life as a performance, this world a stage, and the people we know an audience, that this could be the spores of human misunderstanding and conflict?

Could it be, that all we needed to solve every problem humanity is facing today, was just a bit of innocence?